535 



- 1 



"rench's International Copyrighted (in England, her Colonies, and 
the United States) Edition of the Works of the Best Authors 



No. 222 



THE 
REFORMERS REFORMED 

a Come&B in Jfout Sbort Bets 



BY 

ELIZABETH GALE 

Author of "Aunt Maggie's Will," "The Rag Carpet 
Bee," Etc. 



Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th STREET 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



THE 
REFORMERS REFORMED 

B Gome&B in ffour Sboct Hct6 



BY 



ELIZABETH GALE 

Author of "Aunt Maggie's Will," "The Rag Carpet 
Bee," Etc. 



Copyright, 1912, by Samuel French 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED 



New York 
SAMUEL FRENCH 

PUBLISHER 

28-30 WEST 38th Street 



London 

SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd. 

26 Southampton Street 

STRAND 



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©CI.D 30708 



THE 

REFORMERS REFORMED 



SYNOPSIS. 



Alice Ross, having quarreled with her sweetheart, 
founds the Progressive Philanthropists Club which 
enthusiastically begins to uplift humanity. In 
order to carry out their idea of coming in touch with 
all classes the club girls take positions as house 
maids. This, together with some of their other mis- 
sionary work, quickly involve them in such difficulties 
that the club is disbanded, the reformers are re- 
formed and Alice and her lover are happily reunited. 

LIST OF CHARACTERS. 

Alice Ross . . Founder and president of the Progress- 
ive Philanthropists Club 
May ->> 
June 



Members of the club 



Rose 
Helen 
Edyth 
Olive 
Flossie 
Barbara J 

Lucy (Mrs. Rowland) . .A practical young married 

woman 
Mrs. Mills "") 

Mrs. Hunter y Friends of the girls 

Mrs. Dalforth j 

3 



4 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

Julia A maid 

Bridget Another maid 

Mrs. Schultz The mother of a poor child 

Mrs. West An experienced reformer from the 

limited field of Iliclcsville 

Act T. Boom in home of Alice Ross. 

Act II. The same. 

Act III. Mrs. Millington Mills' Drawing room. 

Act IV. Dining Room in Alice's House. 



THE 

REFORMERS REFORMED 



ACT I. 



Scene : — A room in the home of Alice Ross. It is 
the time for the meeting of the Progressive 
Philanthropists Club and five of the members, 
Alice, May, June, and Helen are already 
there and are standing and sitting about talk- 
ing. Chairs are placed for ten and at the ex- 
treme left there is a small table. To the right 
and rear of the room is a door. 

Alice, (talcing her place behind the table) I am 
going to call the meeting to order. There are five 
of us here and that's a quorum. I think we have 
waited long enough for the others, don't you? 

Helen. Oh, I think so. The afternoon will be 
gone and we won't have a thing done if we don't 
start soon. 

Alice, (rapping with her pencil on the table) 
Well, then, I call the meeting to order. 

May. (passing it) Have some candy before the 
meeting starts. 

Helen. This is delicious. Where did you get it, 
Candy Kitchen? 

Rose. They have the best chocolate cream pepper- 
mints I have ever tasted. 

Alice, (with dignity) The meeting will please 
come to order and the question before the meeting 
is 

June, (rising) I beg your pardon, Miss Presi- 
5 



6 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

dent, but we should begin by reading the minutes of 
the last meeting. 

Alice. Oh, pardon me. I forgot. We will have 
the minutes of the last meeting. 

May. But the secretary has not come, how can 
we? 

Alice. That's so. Well, the treasurer can read 
her report. 

Helen. What's the use when there is no secretary 
to take down what she says? There is really no use 
in having a meeting without a secretary to keep 
track of what we do. 

(Enter Edyth and Olive who carry a large booh, 
the minutes of the club.) 

Edyth. Hello, girls ! 

All. Hello, Edyth ! Hello, Olive ! 

Olive. Hello, everybody ! I am awfully sorry to 
be so late but I really couldn't help it. 

Alice. As soon as you can, Olive, please read the 
minutes. We are waiting for them. You have just 
come in time to save the meeting. 

Olive, (seating herself and opening the boolc) 
Just as soon as I find my place. Here it is. (read- 
ing) The minutes of the Progressive Philanthropists 
Club. Last Thursday afternoon the first meeting was 
held at the home of Helen Drew and it was decided 
not to put the Figii islanders on our list for the 
present but to devote ourselves to charities nearer 
home. A missionary box was parked and — (dropping 
her boolc and scrambling for it) Girls, you have no 
idea how nervous I get when I read these minutes. 
Gracious! I feel as if I were addressing a whole 
senate or congress or something. 

Edyth. You flatter us. 

Olive, (reading) A mission box was packed and 



} 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 7 

sent to Hicksville, a lonely little country settlement, 
with the hope that it might bring a breath of city 
life and culture to these solitary denizens of the 
plains. 
May. 

Rose. 

Edyth. How could you think to say all of that ! 

Alice. You see I knew what I was doing when I 
appointed Olive secretary. But to get back to busi- 
ness. Ladies, you have heard the minutes of the lact 
meeting. Are there any objections? 

Helen, (rising) Yes. I think she ought to give 
the date instead of just saying last Thursday. 

Alice. Oh, you are too particular. Everybody 
knows when last Thursday was. There are no objec- 
tions so the minutes stand approved and we will hear 
the treasurer's report. 

Rose, (studying Iter book with a puzzled expression 
and speaking very deliberately) At the last meeting 
we had three dollars and twenty-five cents. At this 
meeting, if you all pay your dues, we will have 
(counting on her fingers) f-four — fifteen. 

Alice. That is all right, I am sure. There are no 
objections to that so we will go on with the question 
which is : Dees the Ethical aspect of 

Edyth. Oh, bother the ethical aspects ! Let us 
get to work and sew, and while we are sewing we can 
talk about something interesting. Say, did you know 
that Maud Ellis has another new hat ? 

All. Another one ! 

Edyth. Yes, and it's trimmed with cerese. 
Imagine her in cerese. I tried to persuade her to get 
blue but she just wouldn't. 

(Enter Flossie.) 

All. Hello, Flossie! 



8 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

Alice. Did you bring your sewing ? 

Flossie. Yes, of course I did. But, Alice, you 
didn't say how old it was, you just said come and 
sew for a poor child, so I took it for granted that it 
was a boy and I am crocheting him this — (holding 
up a gay tie) See. All boys wear neckties, you 
know. 

Alice. Y-yes, of course they do. 

Olive. Oh, I thought it was a baby so I am mak- 
ing it this, (she holds up a little dress) Isn't it 
pretty ? 

Alice. Oh, that is darling! 

Edyth. Oh, isn't that sweet ! 

Flossie. The dainty little thing! 

June. Why, isn't that funny ! When you didn't 
say how old it was I took it for granted that it was a 
girl about fourteen and I am making this jabot. 
You know all girls like fussy, lacy things. 

May. And I am making this collar to go with it. 

Helen. I thought it was a girl too, but a little 
one, so I am making it this embroidered sunbonnet. 

Rose. And I thought it might be a girl of about 
ten so I am making this little petticoat for it. Isn't 
it cute? 

Alice. Dear me ! This is rather confusing. 

Olive. How old is it, Alice? 

Alice. Why, really, I don't know. I never 
thought to ask. I just took it for granted that it was 
a boy and about six years old so I am making it the 
dearest little pair of blue lingerie pants, (taking 
them from her work-basket) Aren't they cunning? 
And you know they will be so lovely and cool for the 
poor child this summer. 

Olive, (with a gesture that includes each gar- 
ment) Yes, but fancy any one child wearing all of 
this at once. 

Alice. Still, Olive, not knowing anything about 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 9 

the child, I could scarcely have planned things 
better, for no matter what it is it will have something 
to wear. 

(Enter Barbara.) 

Barbara. Oh, girls, see what I have brought for 
the poor child! A rattle (si taking it) and a tin 
horn! (she blows it) Isn't that great? I'd like to 
keep it myself. There was no use in my trying to 
sew anything for I just simply couldn't. And any- 
way, any child would like these better than clothes. 
(she tries them again) 

All. Gracious ! Stop. 

(Enter Mrs. Robert Rowland.) 

All. (rising and taking turns in embracing her) 
Lucy ! 

Alice. I am so glad to see you, dear. 

Olive. It certainly is good to get a glimpse of 
you again. 

Rose. Since you have been married we scarcely 
ever see you. 

Lucy. Oh, girls, I am glad to see you, too, but 
please don't smother me. 

Alice. Take this comfortable chair. 

Barbara. How are your apple-trees, honey? 

Edyth. Yes, how did you manage to tear your- 
self away from that fascinating wilderness of a place 
that you live in. 

Lucy. Wilderness indeed ! You ought to see how 
perfectly beautiful the country is how, why 

Rose. We know how lovely it is. You have told 
us dozens of times. 

Lucy. Have I? And it seems to have been 
breath wasted; you don't appreciate it yet. But tell 



10 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

me what you are doing. I hear that your latest fad 
is philanthropy. 

All. Fad! The idea! 

Alice, (loftily) We are earnestly endeavoring to 
uplift humanity. This is the Progressive Philan- 
thropists Club. 

Lucy. That sounds interesting. What have you 
done? 

Alice. We are just beginning the work. We have 
sent a mission box and are now preparing a wardrobe 
for a poor child. 

Lucy. You mean that you are sewing for poor 
children. 

Alice. No, a poor child. 

Lucy. Are all of these things for the same baby? 
Why, it must be a regular dime museum freak. 

May. Oh, Lucy, aren't you mean ! 

Edyth. I don't believe you have a spark of human 
feeling. 

Lucy. Oh, but I have, and that is why I am so 
interested in the poor, queer little thing. 

Alice. You don't understand, Lucy. 

Lucy, (with a sigh) No, I suppose I don't. I 
never could keep up with you; you have such an 
original way of doing things. 

Alice. It is not nice of you to make fun of us, 
Lucy, and when I explain 

Lucy. Oh, don't try to explain. I am far too 
practical to ever grasp your theories. But I really 
didn't mean to make fun of you and to prove it I will 
tell you that I came to see you to-day in regard to 
the philanthropic work you have taken up. I thought 
you would be dealing with all sorts of people and 
might know of some one I could get for a maid. 

Alice. W-well, you see we are just starting the 
work and have not yet come in contact with many 
people. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 11 

June. I don't see how it is that people who keep 
house are always having trouble with your maids. 

Lucy, (with an air of great superiority) When 
you have kept house, as I have, for two years, you will 
see a great many things you do not seem to see now. 

Alice. I never intend to keep house. I have 
chosen a broader field for my work. 

Lucy. Meaning ? 

Alice. Meaning the world. I shall never confine 
my efforts within the four walls of a home. All 
classes, all ages, all races shall in some way be touched 
and uplifted by what I do. 

Lucy. But even a great work such as this can have 
its foundation in a home. And besides, what have 
you done with Billy? I thought you were going to 
marry him. 

Alice. Oh, that was broken off nearly two weeks 
ago. Billy is a good boy in his way but he is far too 
narrow minded for me. I tried to interest him in 
this work but he said such uncomplimentary things 
that we simply had to part, (by way of changing 
the conversation) Will you have some candy? 

Lucy, (taking one) Thank you. (sighing) Poor 
Billy. 

Rose. We all feel very much as Alice does about 
the work, but she has the ideas and plans things for 
us to do. 

Lucy. If you would all get together some fine day 
and plan a way for us surburbanites to solve the 
servant problem we should be eternally obliged to you. 

Alice. I have an idea now. A splendid scheme. 
I will be a servant for a time. I will take a position, 
in your village, if you like, and by my example of 
industr}' and cheerfulness as well as my conversation 
will uplift the servant class to an appreciation of the 
nobility of their work and the special privileges it 
offers. 



12 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

Lucy, (laughing) I can find you a place if you 
want it. 

Alice, (eagerly) And will you, really? 

Lucy. You don't mean it ! 

Alice. Indeed I do. 

Lucy. You are crazy, Alice. You have never done 
a stroke of housework in your life. 

Alice. But I can and it would bring me into 
closer sympathy with one class of people whom I 
would help. 

Barbara. So can I work. Only last Tuesday I 
dusted the parlor and I wish you would find me a 
place, too. 

June. I think it would be a good plan for us all io 
have a little practical experience. 

Lucy. On second thought I do, too. Some one 
would be sure to learn something through it, and if 
you are sure you want to do it, there will be no 
trouble in finding you places. Let me see. There are 
one, two, three, four, five, six, eight, nine of you. 

Flossie. Oh, no. I didn't say anything. I am 
not going. Why, I'd die if I ever put my hands into 
a pan of dirty dishwater. 

Lucy. You certainly would if you were in my 
house. I insist on having the dishwater clean. 

Helen. So you will find us all places? When 
shall we come ? 

Lucy, (rising) To-morrow, if you can get ready 
by that time, on the train leaving the city at two- 
thirty. I will meet you at the station and see that 
you meet your several mistresses safely. In the 
meantime I will go to an intelligence office and look 
for a maid for myself. Of course I would love to 
have one of you but think you would have better 
experience with strangers. 

Rose. Of course. And what a lark it is going to 
be! 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 13 

May. We shall have no end of fun. Alice, you 
are a genius. Xo one but you could have thought of 
such a unique thing to do. 

Lucy. Yes, Alice, you have outdone yourself in 
this. But I must go. There is always so much to 
attend to when one runs into the city for a day. 
Good-by, girls. And you will not fail me to-morrow? 

All. Of course we won't. Good-by. 

Lucy. Good-by. {exit) 

Olive. Isn't this perfectly splendid ! It gives us 
such an opportunity to — er — er 

Helen. Yes, doesn't it ? 

Flossie. I wish I dared go with you. 

Alice. Have you all finished your sewing ? 

All. I have. I have. 

Alice. Then we will pack and send the poor 
child's bundle and get ready for our next venture in 
the way of usefulness, (they fold and pack their 
sewing into a pasteboard box or brown paper parcel, 
talking as they ivorlc) 

June. The first thing I am going to teach the 
maids is not to talk about their mistresses. 

Olive. Isn't it a perfect shame the way they 
gossip. Two of them never meet for a moment with- 
out saying the most dreadful things about the people 
for whom they work. 

Alice. Yes, and we must show them — tactfully, 
of course — that it is a very dishonorable thing to do. 

Helen. And they are so untidy. I am going to 
set them an example of neatness. Here, Alice, don't 
forget my little sunbonnet. 

Rose. And maids are usually so stupid. 

Alice. Oh, girls ! I am afraid that 

All. What? 

Alice. I am afraid that when these housekeepers 
find what it is to have really intelligent girls to help 
them they will never let us go. 



14 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

CURTAIN. 

ACT II. 

Scene: — Same as first act hut the time is a week 
later. As the curtain rises all of the club girls 
except Barbara and Flossie come in dressed in 
long coats and car ruing suitcases and satchels. 
Beneath their coats they wear simple black 
dresses and some of them still have on their 
little white caps under their hats; while others 
have not stopped to take off their white aprons. 

Alice, (throwing down her bag) If I were not so 
utterly and thoroughly indignant I would cry. 

May. (dropping into a chair) Gracious! I am 
nearly dead. It was trot trot, trot, from morning 
until night. 

Juxe. With me it was scold, scold, scold. I never 
could have believed that any human being could have 
such a disposition as that Mrs. Harris had. And 
her voice! (shuddering) I can hear it yet. 

(They all take off their hats and coats and one by 
one find chairs.) 

Olive. If you think you had a hard time just look 
at me. I believe I have lost ten pounds this week. 
Why, I didn't get half enough to eat. I never saw 
such stingy people. 

May. Salt fish and baked beans — that was my 
diet. 

Helen. I didn't mind what I had to eat, but to 
be called untidy and made to fix my hair like this. 
(displaying a very sleek head of hair) That was just 
t-too much, (she weeps) 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 15 

Eose. And I was called a blockhead. 

Alice, (weeping) And I was told not to flirt with 
the butcher's boy. Imagine me doing such a thing. 

June. Yon worked for Mrs. Black, didn't yon? 
Well, she wasn't a circumstance to my mistress. 

Alice. I don't see how she conld be worse. S-she 
called me a f-jool. Such language for people who 
call themselves cultured ! 

May. I wouldn't care what such people said. I 
would feel myself too far above them to be hurt by 
their rudeness. 

Alice. That's all very well to say, b-but to have 
your best intentions s-snubbed and treated as mine 
were — I just can't b-bear to think of it. Boo-hoo- 
hoo! 

Helen. I know just how you feel. Boo-hoo-hoo- 
hoo! 

Edyth. Well, it is all over now and I am not 
going to cry about it. I'd cry though if I had to go 
back. Just see my hands. They are all callous from 
working so hard, and still I was called lazy. 

May. Lazy! That's nothing, I was called an 
idiot. But it did not disturb me any, I thought I 
knew more than my mistress. Did you ever in your 
life see such clothes as she wore? All of the maids 
in the place dressed better than she did. 

June. And weren't you lonely? Not a soul to 
speak to from morning till night ! 

Olive. I talked to the cook, and I believe I taught 
her something, too. 

Rose. I believe you did. She left on the same 
train that we did. 

June. A new idea spreads quickly in a place like 
that. Every maid in the village has either left or 
given notice. 

Edyth. Some of the mistresses did not seem to 
appreciate the new ideas, I understand, and gave the 



16 TliE REFORMERS REFORMED 

maids notice. They said they had grown too im- 
pertinent and independant to be of any use. 

May. They certainly were a narrow minded lot. 
I gave the cook a novel to read and she, being a really 
intelligent girl, became so interested in it that she 
burned up the dinner. And you should have heard 
the fuss that was made about it ! Mrs. Addington 
did not seem to realize that culture is far more im- 
portant than cooking. 

Helen. What do you suppose Lucy will say? 
She will never forgive us. She will think we made 
things worse instead of better. 

May. I don't care what Lucy says or thinks. We 
tried to do our duty and that is enough for us to 
with whom we had to deal were not capable of ap- 
preciating our grade of intelligence. 

Olive. Let us strike them off our charity list and 
put the Figii Islanders on. 
know. 

Alice, {drying her eyes) Yes. We tried to do 
our duty to both maids and mistresses but the people 

Edyth. Yes, long distance charity connections 
are most satisfactory after all. 

Olive. Just as it is easier to scold the butcher over 
the phone than over the counter. 

Helen. And I just love to pack missionary boxes. 

May. And that sort of people is apt to be more 
appreciative than — housekeepers, for instance. 

Rose. And I have a beautifully illustrated volume 
of Tennyson's poems that I will put in the box. I 
have read most of it. 

{Enter Barbara.) 

All. Barbara! 

Barbara, {throwing down her satchel) Oh, oh, 
oh, oh! I am perfectly furious! And I am so 
mortified. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 17 

All. What kept you? 

Barbara. What kept me ! That wretched woman 
kept me. Oh, I can scarcely believe that anyone 
could do such a thing! Just as I was leaving she 
missed her gold thimble and she would not let me 
go until she had found it. Suspected me of taking it. 

All. You ! 

Alice, {rising and resuming her usual superior 
air) These are the things that philanthropists must 
expect. We have had our troubles too, Barbara, but 
we have borne them courageously, {she goes to the 
table and examines the mail that has accumulated 
during the week) 

Helen. When you hear the horrible details of our 
experience you will gasp. But we have not com- 
plained. 

Barbara. Oh, I am not complaining. I can stand 
it as long as you can. But it makes me mad just 
the same. 

Alice, {enthusiastically as she loolcs up from a 
letter she is reading) Mrs. Millington Mills is giving 
us a bridge party. The whole club is invited. 

All. Oh, good ! 

Alice. We have come home just in time for it. 

June, {looking over her shoulder) But it is to be 
at the time for our next club meeting. We surely 
can't let a card party interfere with our philanthropic 
work. 

Edyth. Oh, let's forget philanthropy for a while. 
Haven't you worked hard enough this week? I feel 
as if I needed a whole year's vacation. 

Alice. It will not do us any harm to take a little 
pleasure. 

May. And I think I shall wear my blue • 

{Enter Flossie.) 
Flossie, {embracing each in turn) Oh, you dear, 



18 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

brave,, darlings girls! So you are home again! I 
must kiss you all. Is it your day off ? On what train 
are you going back? 

Alice. "We are not going back at all. 

Flossie. You are not going back ! I thought you 
were going to stay six months. 

Alice. In a week we have accomplished all we 
need to for the present and now we are going to a 
card party. 



CURTAIN. 
ACT III. 



Scene: — Mrs. Millington Mills' drawing room. 
The club girls and tivo other guests, Mrs. Dal- 
forth and Mrs. Hunter, are seated about three 
card tables. At the most prominent table Mrs. 
Mills and Alice, Flossie and June are play- 
ing. At the second table are Mrs. Dalforth 
and Barbara, Helen and Edytii; and at the 
third, Mrs. Hunter and Rose, Olive and May. 
A door leads from the rear of the room into the 
hall and at the left is another door through 
which the maids enter. 

Flossie, (studying her cards) You dealt this 
hand, didn't you, June? So that makes me the 
dummy. Can the dummy bridge it? 

Mrs. Mills. Oh, no, Flossie, dear. And you must 
not show your hand until the trump has been made 
and the first card lead. 

Flossie. Oh, yes. I remember now. And as soon 
as I lay down my hand my only duty is to talk to 
you while you play. I love to be a dummy. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 19 

Edyth. Tell me, please, are you playing with the 
left bower? 

Mrs. Dalforth. There are never any bowers in 
whist. 

Edyth. That's so, and you don't use the joker 
either, do you? 

Helen. Oh, Edyth, you have trumped my ace! 
Don't you know that is high card? 

Edyth. That is all right ; I wanted to be sure of 
the trick. 

Mrs. Dalforth. You have lost a trick that way. 

Edyth. I don't see how. I took it, didn't I ? 

Mrs. Hunter. Well partner, shall I play to a 
club? 

Rose. Pray do. That is the one thing I am sure 
of in this game. I know just when to say that. 

Mrs. Mills. When we have finished playing, 
Alice, I want you to tell me all about this new club 
of yours. Your last venture, I hear, was something 
quite unique. 

Flossie. They took positions as real servants. 
Weren't they courageous ? 

Alice, (warming under the praise) The hard- 
ships we endured were nothing compared with what 
we accomplished. We instilled into the minds of the 
maids a few ideas of their rightful independence. 

Mrs. Mills. Why, I thought your object was to 
make them more contented with their present lot and 
bring about harmony between mistress and maid. 

Alice, (loftily) When we were dealing with 
actual conditions we did the work we saw before us 
unflinchingly. 

Mrs. Mills. Weren't you rather ambitious to take 
up such a complex problem to start with ? 

Alice. We do not mean to shirk any phase of our 
duty. 

(Enter Julia at left.) 



20 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

Julia, (to Mrs. Mills) Please, m'am, there is 
a woman — (seeing Alice) Why, hello, Alice ! 

Alice, (rising in confusion) What! You here! 

Julia, (coming forward confidently and leaning 
on the table as she talks) Sure I am. Came this 
morning. Say, you must have a swell job ! And you 
landed it quick for a greenhorn. 

Alice, (with dignity) Really, Julia, I think you 
do not quite understand. 

Julia. Hey ? 

Alice. I am not really a servant at all as you 
have been led to believe. 

Julia. Well, if you ain't now you was once, and a 
fierce one at that. You needn't put on any airs with 
me. Who was it that showed you how to make a bed 
and dust a room? Hey? 

Alice. Oh, Julia ! how can you speak in that way 
after all I have tried to do for you. After all I have 
taught you ! 

Julia. Done for me ! Taught me ! I like your 
nerve. You were the biggest nuisance that I ever 
struck in the five years I have been out to service. 
Always standin' around gabbin' about our "noble 
calling," and " respecting our rights." If you want 
it straight from me, we all thought you was a little 
cracked. 

Mrs. Mills. Julia, you are insulting one of my 
guests. You will kindly leave the room. 

Julia. Sure I will, and I'll leave the house too if 
she is goin' to be comin' here. I've had all I can 
stand of her. (straightening herself up and imitat- 
ing Alice's superior air) And I feel myself far 
above the level of your rebukes, (she leaves the room 
with great dignity) 

(She leaves the room with great dignity.) 

A lice. I have never met with such wretched 
ingratitude. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 21 

Mes. Mills. I am shocked beyond words. 
Mrs. Dalfoeth. I never heard of such a thing. 
Mes. Hunter. I am sure I do not know what we 
are coming to. 

(Eater Bridget at left,) 

Beidget. Plaise, m'am, there is a woman waitin' 
to see ye fer the last half hour. Can she come in 
now? (glancing about at the girls) Begorra, now! 
Is it me own eyes that sees it! There's Nellie and 
Eidie and Barbara and — (embracing her) June. 
Lord love yer swait, innocent face. And phat a lady 
ye are ! Ye're most as fine as the misses herself ! 
It's glad I am to see ye so grand, but do ye mind the 
times we had in the kitchen together ? 

Mes. Mills. Bridget, these ladies are my guests. 
I can not allow you to talk to them in this way. 
What does it mean ? 

Beidget. It mains, m'am, that we are auld friends 
and all had jobs in the same town, (coming forward 
and winking confidentially at Mes. Mills) There's 
many a tale I could tell you, m'am, about the times 
we had. 

Mes. Mills. Bridget, you may go. 

Beidget. Yis, ma'am, but wan minute till I tell 
ye about the neighbor's hen that got into the 
kitchen — 

Mes. Mills. You may go, Bridget. I can't listen 
to it now. 

Beidget. (as she moves toward the door) Arra, 
m'am if ye could have seen the way she chased it out. 
Ha-ha-ha! I nearly kilt meself laughin'. And if 
ye could have seen her scrub the floor, ma'm ! And 
if ye could have tried to ate her buscuits ! Ha-ha ! 

Mes. Mills. Bridget, leave the room ! 

Beidget. Yis, m'am. Ha-ha-ha-ha — (exit) 



22 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

Alice. Isn't this dreadful 

Helen. But we have done with them now. You 
know, Mrs. Mills, we have decided to confine our 
efforts to the sending of missionary boxes. 

Olive. And we hope that our work in that direc- 
tion will be better appreciated. 

Mrs. Mills. I certainly hope it will. But let us 
go on with the game and try to forget this unfor- 
tunate interruption. I am so sorry about it, but we 
must not let it spoil the afternoon. It is my deal, 
isn't it? (she begins to deal) 

Mrs. Dalforth. It is a perfect outrage. 

Mrs. Hunter. I never heard of anything like it. 
I am sure I don't know what we are coming to. 
(they all begin to play) 

(Enter Mrs. Schultz at rear.) 

Mrs. Schultz. I vas tinkin' I should never find 
yer, I vas so long gittin' here. Phew! I ain't got 
no vind no more I talked so hard mit dot gal dot 
wouldn't let me in. 

All. Gracious ! 

Mrs. Mills. And I think, my good woman, that 
you are in the wrong place now. 

Mrs. Schultz. No, I ain't. I vas lookin' for a 
ladies president dot send me a bundle once already, 
und she iss here. I know dot all right. 

June. She means you, Alice. 

Mrs. Schultz. (coming over to Alice and putting 
her bundle on the card table) Should you be dot 
ladies president. 

Alice, (weakly) Y-yes. 

Mrs. Schultz. (as she unties her bundle) I vas 
to vash to-day already fur Mrs. O'Shea but I puts her 
off by der next goot day vile I comes here and talks 
mit you to der face. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 23 

Alice. That was good of you. 

Mrs. Schultz. V-vell, I don't know how goot it 
iss. See ! (she spreads out the clothes the girls have 
sent) I gets already some dings fur mine schild. 
Look once und guess vat iss mine schild like, huh? 
Vat you tink, huh ? I ain't got so much to say, but 
one ding dot I vants to ask you iss : — Don't yer like 
how mine schild looks, huh ? Und I should say, ven 
you don't like how he looks, I puts mine own clothes 
on mine own schild und it ain't no body's peesness vat 
dem clothes iss. Und I should say shust one ding 
more — mind your own peesness und don't send me no 
more ruffles bants. So! 

(Exit Mrs. Schultz.) 

Alice, (weeping) Oh, this is too much ! 

Mrs. Mills. There, dear, don't feel so bad about 
it. You meant well. 

Olive. I am sure it was not your fault that she 
did not like the pretty things we sent. But I shall 
never forgive her for hurting your feelings. 

Alice. I am not c-crying about myself. I weep 
to think that she did not even know enough to take 
advantage of her opportunity to better herself. 

(Enter at the rear door Mrs. West.) 

Mrs. West, (loudly) So here you are, are you? 

All. Gracious! Mercy! Oh! 

Mrs. West. Your hired girl did not seem to 
understand what I was talking about, or else she 
didn't care. I thought for a minute that I was in the 
wrong place, but I see I ain't. This looks all of a 
piece with the other business. What new kind of 
foolishness is this that you are up to, hey ? 

Mrs. Mills. I am giving a bridge party. Did 
you wish to see me? 

Mrs. West. Mn-m-m. I don't know. I am 
lookin' for the Progressive Philanthropists Club. I 



24 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

went to its home address and was told that it was 
here. I have business with its president, Alice Ross. 

Alice, (drying her eyes) I am Alice Ross. Can 
I do anything for you? 

Mrs. V. ';:.- :\ X-no, I don't know as you can, but I 
calculate that I can do considerable for you. I'm 
Deborali West and I come from Hicksville. Maybe 
you've heard of me. 

Alice. No, but we all know about Hicksville. 

Mrs. West. Humph ! Know about Hicksville, do 
you? Well, Hicksville wouldn't be nothin' without 
Deborah West. It has been my duty and my pleasure 
all of my life to keep people straight. I was born to 
it, a sort of mission you might say, and I've worked 
hard at my trade. Hicksville people have been takin' 
my advice for the last twenty years and it has made 
Hicksville what it is. 

Mrs. Mills. This is very interesting, Mrs. West. 
Won't you be seated while you tell us about it ? 

Mrs. "West. Mo, thanks. I'll stand up. But what 
I want to know is (to Alice) how you ever got it 
into your head that Hicksville needed a missionary 
boy. We're all hard workin', respectable, prosperous 
folks — thanks to me. It ain't jest what you'd call a 
lively place, though, and last Tuesday when that box 
came we was all real interested since nothin' unusual 
had happened for quite a spell. We had a real good 
time over the outside of that box and I want to thank 
you for it. 

Alice. You — you are very kind. 

Mrs. West. I took a hammer and Sophia Wood 
she got the hatchet and we hammered and split until 
we got the top off — all of the rest of the women folks 
standin' around guessin' what it was and talkin'. 
ISTow, I am chock full of sentiments about the inside 
of that box but I don't suppose you'd like to hear 
'em all. How-some-ever, I am goin' to tell you 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 25 

some, (taking a nest of blond hair puffs from her 
bag) Jest look at that. And there ain't a single 
person in our whole township that's baldheaded ex- 
cept old Jim Tompkins, and he said he jest voouldn't 
wear 'em. Don't know as I blamed him either. 

Helen. But they are not for bald people: I wear 
them. 

Mes. West. Tush, child! Let me finish, (hold- 
ing up a pair of lorgnettes) Look at that. 

Edyth. There is nothing the matter with that I 
am sure, it is a very nice lorgnette. 

Mrs. West. I know what it is called but I don't 
know its use. See here. You jest can't set 'em on 
your nose and what earthly use are glasses that you 
have to hold on with one hand. My land! Two 
hands ain't enough for our Hicksville women to work 
with. 

Alice. I am sorry, Mrs. West, that you are not 
pleased but 

Mes. West. Oh. you needn't apologize. Now, I 
have jest one more sample, (shaking out a net and 
spangle creation) None of us Hicksville ladies ballet 
dance. 

Flossie. Ballet dance! The idea! That is the 
tunic of my old rose evening gown — the prettiest one 
I ever had. 

Mrs. West. Tis. hey? Well, if you can use it you 
can have it back. Before we read your letter most of 
the ladies thought that box came from the state 
insane asylum 

The Clue. Horrors ! Mercy ! Gracious ! 

Mrs. West. But no, says I, the folks that sent 
that ain't insane, they're jest in society and have 
taken up the charity fad and happened to hit us. 
And I was right, too. I always am. But that box 
opened my eyes. Your talents, Deby West, says I to 
myself, needs a broarder field. You have done your 



26 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

duty by Hicksville and there are other folks that 
needs you bad. So I came straight here as soon as I 
could get ready, (to Alice) And I am goin' to 
begin with you and train you up to be what I think 
a girl of your years ought to be. 

Alice. Mrs. West, I wish you to know 

Mrs. West. I know all I need to know 

Mrs. Mills. I know that you are being very im- 
pertinent to Miss Ross. 

Alice. And I won't s-stand being treated so. 

Mrs. West. Yes, you will, leastwise until you 
show some signs of improvement. 

Alice. I don't want to improve. I don't need to 
improve. I give up philanthropy. G -girls, I disband 
the c-elub. People are too wretchedly, horridly, 
wickedly ungrateful. I'll never try to do another 
thing for them — never, never, never. 

Mrs. West. Oh, I guess maybe you will. I ain't 
come here to make you give up charity work. Charity 
is a good thing only it is like a sassy lobster, you've 
got to know how to take aholt of it, x\nd that is 
what I'm agoin' to teach you along with the rest. I'm 
an expert at helpin' folks; I've been doin' it all my 
life. 

Mrs. Hunter. Then I would suggest that you 
take your valuable services where they would be more 
appreciated. 

Mrs. Dalforth. Back to Hicksville, for instance. 

Mrs. Mills. Yes, Mrs. West, I think you'd better 
return at once. 

Mrs. West, (folding lier arms and striking an 
attitude of immovable determination) You do, hey? 
Well, if you think I am goin' to move one inch from 
this town until I've set folks straight it is because 
you don't know Deborah Lucretia Ann West. 

CURTAIN*. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 27 



ACT IV. 

Scene: — The dining room in Alice's home. At the 
rear of the room is a door, in the center of the 
room a ialle which Alice is setting under the 
direction of Mrs. "West -who sits in the fore- 
ground knitting. 

Mrs. West. Xow don't cry into the sugar bowl. 
My land ! when yon get started yon are a regular 
cloud burst. And the more you cry the slower you 
work, and the slower you work the longer I stay. I've 
been here a whole week now and you haven't learned 
any more housekeepin' yet than a pussy-cat could do. 
And I never worked harder in my life than I have 
tryin' to teach you. 

Alice. Why don't you take a vacation ? 

Mrs. West. I never leave a duty till it is done. 

Alice. If I had known how hard it was going to 
be I would never have let you come but you were so 
persistent I thought this was the easiest way out of it. 
I know better now. 

Mrs. West. Knives on the right side of the plate. 

Alice, (drying her eyes) How much more shall I 
have to learn? 

Mrs. West. Well, all of the girls in Hicksville can 
wash and iron, and scrub and sew and knit and sweep 
and clean. And some of them can play the pianer 
besides and sing. 

(Alice throws herself down on a chair leans her head 
on the table and weeps loudly.) 

Mrs. West. What's the matter now ? 

Alice. I am heart sick and discouraged. And I 



28 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

am thoroughly stupid and useless. I wish I were 
dead. Billy, Billy, Billy! 

Mrs. West. Billy! Who's Billy? I never 
heard of him before. He isn't some one you was 
think in' of marryin', is he? 

Alice. I was once but I never will now. I sent 
him away and he will never come back again. Boo- 
hoo-hoo ! 

Mrs. West. Well, that's good I'm sure. I don't 
approve of matrimony. None of the Hicksville girls 
got married. I taught 'em better. Now stop your 
cryin' and go on with the table settin'. Philanthropy 
is a good doal better than matrimony anyway and 
when you have learned a little more about house- 
keepin' I'll start you in on that. I know how and 
there ain't no foolishness about my philanthropy. 

Alice. I wish I'd never heard of philanthropy. 
That's what came between us, and we used to have 
such good times ! Boo-hoo-hoo ! 

Mrs. West. Now stop that. There is no sense in 
this everlastin' cryin'. 

(Enter Barbara, Edyth, Helen and Olive.) 

All. Why, Alice, what's the matter? 

Barbara. Aren't you going to the card party ? ? 

Mrs. West. Card party ! Well, I guess not. She 
ain't half through with her work yet. 

Alice. I am never going anywhere again. 

Olive. Alice ! 

Alice. When I get through with this I am going 
to enter a convent. 

Edyth. Poor Billy ! 

Helen. Oh, girls, let's tell her ! 

Mrs. West, (rising) Now you see here! What 
are you aimin' at ? Don't you bring any men around 
these premises. I don't like 'em and I have trouble 
enough without 'em. 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 29 



Olive. But Billy- 



Mrs. West. Can do what he likes outside this 
house. I give him the whole town to perform in, but 
he ain't comin' here. Xow you hear me say it. (she 
resumes her seat with an air of defiance) 

Edyth. If I were in your place, Alice, I wouldn't 
let her bully me. 

Mrs. West, (turning on her suddenly) You 
wouldn't, hey? 

(Edyth with a little scream hides behind the other 
girls and Flossie, in her automobile coat and 
hat enters talking volubly and not noticing 
Mrs. West. She is followed presently by Mrs. 
Mills who is also dressed for motoring.) 

Flossie. Oh, girls, girls ! I am back and I have 
had the most delightful time. Mrs. Mills took me 
all over the state in her car. You'll never guess 
where I've been and what I've seen. I would have 
given anything in this wide world to have had you all 
with me. Such adventures ! Such excitement ! I 
never had such experiences in my life. What do you 
think, girls? We punctured a tire 

Hele^. How wonderful ! We puncture one every 
time we go out. 

Flossie. And we had to get out and wait for 
nearly three hours while they fixed it. And where do 
you think we happened to be? 

All. Where? 

Flossie. HICKSYILLE ! And what do you 
think we did? 

All. What ? 

Flossie. We went to weddings. 

Barbara. So calm down, Flossie, and tell us a 
connected story. How many weddings did you go to ? 

Flossie. Three. But there have been eight wed- 
dings in the place this week. Mrs. West, it seems 



30 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

was very much opposed to marriage and there hasn't 
been a wedding in the village for fifteen years, but 
they're making up for lost time while she's away. 
And, oh, girls! One of the brides I saw was Mrs. 
West's nicee. 

Mbs. West. What! My Evelina! 

Flossie. Mrs. West ! I — I didn't see you. 

Mrs. West. So it seems. But tell me that again. 
Ain't you mistaken? Are you sure that it was 
Evelina? I didn't mean her to get married. 

Flossie. I — I am sorry, Mrs. West — but 

MfiSi West. Don't stand there stammerin' around 
that way. Tell me about it. Who in Ilicksville dared 
to marry her? 

Flossie. Xo one in Hicksville. He is a city man ; 
his name is Swift. 

Mrs. West. My land o' Goshen! Where's my 
hat ? I'm goin' right home. 

Mrs. Mills. But she is already married, Mrs. 
West. You can do nothing now. 

Flossie. And you wouldn't find her in Hicksville. 
She is away on her wedding trip. 

Mrs. West. And the rest of them that got married 
— did they all go on wedding trips. 

Flossie. Of course they did and they had the 
loveliest time ! 

Mrs. West. After all my teachin' ! Why, I took 
as much trouble with them girls as if they had been 
prize pumpkins for the county fair. And now they 
don't know no better than this! All my time and 
trouble wasted. The wicked, ungrateful critters ! 

Mrs. Mills. Oh no, Mrs. West, your time has not 
been wasted. You have taught the girls a great deal 
and I am sure that they will always be grateful to you 
for it. The trouble began when you tried to interfere 
with things that should not concern you. You and 
Alice 



THE REFORMERS REFORMED 31 

Alice. Oh, Mrs. Mills, I am entirely out of it. 
I have given up philanthropy. I have given up 
everything. I have nothing to live for now that 
Billy's gone. 

Mrs. Mills. I am sorry if you have given up 
philanthropy, Alice, for it is a good thing — only you 
should temper your zeal with a little more wisdom. 

Mrs. West. That's jest what I tell her. In other 
words, put your good works where they're wanted. A 
bunch of hair puffs may be mighty becomin' but if I 
don't know it there ain't no use in your givin' 'em to 
em. 

Mrs. Mills. Very true, Mrs. West, and you may 
know a great deal more than other people do, but if 
they are not ready to learn it you can't make them. 

Mrs. West, (thought fully) W-well, I guess that's 
right, too. 

Mrs. Mills. So you and Alice have both learned 
something and I hope you will start now on a gentler 
course of philanthropy. 

(Enter Mrs. Robert Rowland.) 

Lucy. How do you do, Mrs. Mills. Girls, I 
wonder if you can ever forgive me for that dreadful 
week you spent in our village. 

Alice. We wanted to go, Lucv. It was not your 
fault. 

Lucy. Oh, yes it was. I should not have allowed 
you poor innocent lambs to stray into such a pitfall. 
It was too hard an experience for you and I shall 
never forgive myself for it. 

Flossie. But Billy will forgive you for it helped 
to disband the club — And, oh, Alice ! I forgot to tell 
you, I met him as I was coming in and he is waiting 
in the parlor to see you. 

Mrs. West. He is, hey ? Then I guess that means 



32 THE REFORMERS REFORMED 

another weddin'. Now, there is one thing I can't get 
used to and that's a weddin', so I guess I'll go home 
where the weddin's are all over. 

Flossie. Oh, but they're not ! Old Jim Tompkins 
says that when you come back he is going to marry 
you. 



CURTAIN. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



017 199 317 9 I 



